Andrew Kaufman

Tom's first superhero girlfriend was Someday. She had red hair, a compact frame and two superpowers: an amazing ability to think big and an unlimited capacity to procrastinate. Someday had never used her superpowers in combination until one Sunday morning, three months after she'd started dating Tom. They were lying in bed. Someday was staring at the ceiling.

'Imagine it all,' Someday said.
'Hmm,' Tom said. He kissed Someday's freckled shoulder.
'We're going to get married and own a home. We're going to have kids ... ' she said.

Tom stopped kissing her freckled shoulder. He stopped moving his fingers. They could hear the refrigerator.
' ... someday,' Someday quickly added.
The moment she said it, she shrank. It started happening all the time.
'I'm going to paint the bathroom ...' she'd say.
'Don't say it!' Tom would yell.
' ... someday,' Someday would say. She'd shrink.

Every time Someday used her superpowers in combination she shrank, and every time she shrank, she shrank by a little bit more. When they'd met in March, Someday stood 5'4". By May she was 4'7". At the end of August she was 11". By October she was sleeping on the cotton from a bottle of aspirin.

The last time Tom saw her was in December, through a microscope. She stood next to a dust particle.
'Someday, I miss you!' Tom told her.
'Someday you won't,' she said.
She disappeared.

Tom's second superhero girlfriend was TV Girl. As a child, TV Girl loved television. She could empathize with the people on television in ways she couldn't with real-life people. She watched so much television, caring so much about the people she watched, that her connection with television became biological. She started crying televisions. When TV Girl was sad, little television sets would flow down her face.

Tom wasn't very nice to TV Girl. He didn't have a television. He'd go over to her apartment and be mean to her just to watch her cry.

At his own wedding reception, Tom was introduced to the Sitcom Kid. Tom didn't know the Sitcom Kid was TV Girl's older brother. Tom stuck out his hand to be shaken. The Sitcom Kid made a fist and punched Tom in the mouth.

'She's my sister, man!' said the Sitcom Kid.
'Who is?' Tom asked.
'TV Girl! You made her feel like Mallory when she dated
Alex's best friend at university!'

Tom held a paper napkin to his lip. He didn't swing back. He knew he deserved that punch in the mouth – maybe not on his wedding night, but he deserved that punch. All the wedding guests circled Tom and the Sitcom Kid. Hypno knew this was his moment.

Only the Perfectionist noticed Hypno making his way towards her. She wasn't afraid of him. She knew how he worked. He'd done it the first time they'd met. He'd come into the diner where she worked. He'd sat by himself at the counter, just as the noon crowd had her swamped.

'I need coffee,' Hypno commanded. He waved his hand in front of her face. He hypnotized her.

The Perfectionist dropped everything. Plates of hamburgers got cold under heat lamps as she made a new pot just for him. She filled a mug and took it directly to Hypno. She set it down in front of him.

'How did you do that?' the Perfectionist asked.
'You're a nice person,' Hypno answered.
'So?'
'You wanted to give me good service.'
'So?'
'I hypnotized you. But you can't hypnotize anyone into doing anything they don't already want to do. I merely give permission,' Hypno said. He tapped his spoon on the rim of his coffee mug and hypnotized her into believing that sex with him would be the best of her life. The Perfectionist dated him, intensely, for the next three months.

'Just because you were hypnotized to think it was the best sex of your life doesn't mean that it wasn't,' is how the Perfectionist remembers their relationship. For Hypno, the feelings went much, much deeper. He was still in love with the Perfectionist when he approached her at the wedding reception.

The Perfectionist stood still. His timing was perfect; a brawl had broken out by the shrimp table. If he made some sort of scene, nobody would notice. Hypno hugged her. She hugged him back. It was her wedding day. She didn't need anybody's permission to do anything.

'Congratulations,' he whispered.
'What?' asked the Perfectionist.
'Congratulations,' he whispered, even more softly.
'What?' the Perfectionist asked again. She couldn't hear him. She turned her head. She offered her ear to Hypno. He leaned close and whispered.

Only the Ear heard what Hypno said. The Ear was in the bathroom changing the cotton in his ears. He'd just pulled out the used cotton. He had fresh cotton in his hand. His hearing was at its most sensitive.

The Ear heard the fight between Tom and the Sitcom Kid. He heard someone whispering behind it.
'Are you worried that he's not like us?' the Ear heard. He recognized Hypno's voice. The Ear didn't know who Hypno was talking to. The other person wasn't saying anything.

The Perfectionist wasn't saying anything because she was thinking. She had never been asked that question before and she realized she'd never let herself even think about it. She bit her bottom lip. She nodded her head.

'What do you see in him?' Hypno asked.
'I ... I ... don't know,' the Perfectionist replied. She knew she loved Tom but she suddenly didn't know why.

Hearing the Perfectionist's voice, the Ear rushed out of the bathroom. He tried to push through the crowd encircling Tom and the Sitcom Kid. He kept listening.

'In fact,' the Ear heard Hypno whisper, 'I don't think you see anything at all.
'Perf, no!' called the Ear.
But the Ear was too late. The Perfectionist was hypnotized. Tom was invisible to her.

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Last modified on February 23, 2006  | © Telegram 2005